Life and Love

WARNING: This contains information that you may not already know so brace yourself. haha

2010…how should I begin. It was not the best year I’ve had, yet it wasn’t the worse but I know for damn sure that it was the wildest roller coaster ever. This was the ride of my life; I went from the tips of Mount Everest down to rock bottom and then back up to cloud9 in a matter of a few months.

My heart, this year, was not at its best. Can’t really say it was broken, can’t say it was torn. Guess it was just…blinded. My heart has been blinded for a a good 1/4 of its life. Thinking it was love when it was just lust or infatuation. How foolish of me. Seven years of being in and out of relationships and where did I end up? In a counselor’s officer.

Depression is not a friend of mine, yet it continues to lurk in my shadows for the past years. I always tried to ignore it, to mask it with other emotions and actions. Then, because of it, I got in trouble with the law - twice. I got caught for shoplifting. Yes, I should be ashamed of myself and trust me, I was for a long time. After the second time, I realized I had a problem. Why did I do it knowing it was wrong? Because it made me feel successful, like I had achieved something. I have been in relationships that have failed for various reasons and this made me feel like I could actually do something. It sounds absurd but it’s true. It’s like a math or physics problem. You know how to follow the steps and work it out but somehow the answer is always wrong. But once you get it correctly, don’t you feel a sense of achievement? I did, in my case. I have stopped this behavior and I am proud to say that I have learned from this. I have disappointed those around me; my parents, my sister, my friends and myself. And I apologize to those whom I have hurt during this period of time.

Since the incidents, I saw a therapist on a weekly basis for 6 months. From there, I shared with her stories and experiences I thought I would never share with anyone. Secrets I thought I would take to the grave with me. It was the first time anyone had opened my “safe” (in reference to Inception). My therapist was the only person who knew about all of my experiences from my first actual relationship up until that moment. Being able to open up about everything rehashed all my emotions. I relived my first heartbreak, my first betrayal, my first disappoint. After that session, I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to feel that pain but I kept going. If I had quit, I would’ve ran from my past again. I wasn’t ever able to accept my pain and heartbreak until then. I never faced it until she put me face to face with my problem.

During those 6 months, I swore off love. I guess you could say I gave up on it. I waited around for seven months on something I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t going to happen. Memories of the past haunted me. Pain was the only love I knew and I didn’t want to put myself at risk for that again. But someone, who had been there since day one, showed me what it was like to have someone love me and care for me. Someone who waited around for me, who didn’t give up on me even though I told him repeatedly that I didn’t want to be in love, to take the risk of getting hurt. His persistence was what got to me. He was willing to take a risk on me, knowing we were young, things can change, not knowing if tomorrow will even come. Aside from his persistence, his unconditional support through the roughest parts of my life got me to this day. From day one of us talking, he was my life coach. I was able to tell everything; previous relationships, current heartaches, future worries, everything. And knowing all that, he did what I would always do for others; never too far behind me to catch me, never too far ahead to guide me, but always right next to me for me to lean on. For the longest time, I oversaw that quality of him. I wasn’t fair to him. I didn’t let him start with a clean slate. I judged him as if he was going to hurt me like everyone else did but with all he did way before anything even started between us, he already proved to me that he’s nothing like the others’. In the end, I’m glad I gave him the chance because I would definitely regret if I didn’t. I wouldn’t change it for anything else in the world because I’m happy right where I’m at. He was able to do for me what others’ have never done before; show me the world. Okay, maybe not the world but with him, I went to places I would otherwise never go. With him, I had the willingness to try things I would never try. I just have a strong sense of security with him, as cheesy as it sounds.

In review, 2010 started off rocky, bumps here and there. Then it plummeted and right when I was going to give up on everything, I got encouragement to pick myself up and move on from everything and to see it all as a lesson. And with all that said, I bring a close to my 2010 and welcome in 2011. I wish you all the best in the new year.

EDIT:

Friends. I drifted from many but at the same time, I got close to people who I thought I would never get close to. Things really do change over time and sadly, it’s inevitable.